i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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