tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
there is puke in my bra ... again
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