I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
