went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
