I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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