She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
