You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
