My friends, they love my intelligence
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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