You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
