I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
as a side note pls kill me
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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