I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
thus making me awesome and them whores
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
