Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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