We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
