Best friends brother. Beat that.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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