he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
