i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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