Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
