You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
