I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
