My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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