meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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