he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
