The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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