Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
