I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
