Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
