i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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