I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
