people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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