I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
