Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
