I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
