I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
