Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
