its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
