I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
