I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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