he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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