Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
