omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
