this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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