just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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