I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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