Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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