Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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