I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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