did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
