I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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