Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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