I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
