let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
