you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
