I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
