Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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