remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
