batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
