It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
