I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Welp...herpes.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
